Wiley's Mommy: Christmas without you.

Okay, so I wrote a huge Christmas post about a week ago. One of my longest posts ever and one I let a lot of emotion out into and I went to put pictures in it and accidentally erased it all. I. was. so. mad. I just didn't have the strength to try and write it again. So I'll do my best tonight to at least explain what we did for Christmas.

Sunday before Christmas we had Christmas with my husband's family. It went alright. We did not do our tradional sit around the dining table and eat and talk for hours like we usually do. We just got our plates and sat wherever in the living room. I know his grandma didn't like that, but it was really helpful for us. Something about sitting around a table, being uncomfortable and trying to pretend like everything is perfect is not my idea of a good time. Everyone talked all about Ellie and when she will make her appearance. No one said a word about Wiley. I know, I know....no one wants to upset me or ruin the mood of Christmas, but we don't forget. He's on our mind. For us, it's like a huge elephant in the room of who is not here. It would have been nice if someone had acknowledge that they didn't forget or they missed him too or something..anything.

Then, the words...."Just think...this time next year, we will have a high chair around the table." I know they only meant good things by saying that, but those are the exact same words that were said to us last year. Ooooh how I hope and pray there is a sweet little 11 month old baby girl at the table next Christmas. But---there was supposed to be a 9 month old little boy there this year. I just can't plan that far ahead with Ellie girl. I planned and thought out every detail of Wiley's 1st year. Vacations, events, family gatherings we would take him to...which made it really sad when we had to go to all of those things without him. So with Ellie girl, I try not to get too far ahead of my self. I'm taking it one day at a time and praying we make it to the end with a crying baby.

Later that night, we left and headed home and I got emotional of course. My hubby drove out the cemetery. We pulled in and a car pulled in in front of us. They drove straight to the baby section and shined their headlights on the graves and a man and woman got out. I told my husband to hang back. I know when I have to go the cemetery at night, it's a pretty private thing. We were surprised to see someone out there late at night. We thought we were the only crazy grieving parents that do that, but I guess not. For some reason, I always feel like a criminal when going out there at night. One night a cop pulled up to us and asked what we were doing out there late at night. Thankfully, my husband knew the cop and so the guy immediately ate his words and realized why we were there. But I wanted to be like...."Really, sir? Do you really want to know? My son died. I miss him. I couldn't sleep. I needed to come check his things." Just to name a few.

That night before Christmas Eve was rough on me. The next morning, Christmas Eve, my husband had to go to work. I had a really rough morning. If I'm on edge, I totally lose it if my husband is not with me. He is my rock. As the day went on, I started feeling better and felt much better after Sam got home. On Christmas Eve night, we bundled up and got a book, flashlight and blanket and headed to the cemetery. We took the book, The Night Before Christmas and we sat down on Wiley's grave and I read the whole book to my babies. That may sound totally odd to some people, but it makes sense to me and I know it does to my baby loss friends too. I read to Wiley when I was pregnant all the time and I read to Ellie too. And even though I know Wiley is not in his grave, I just like to think for those few minutes that I was reading to both of my babies at the same time with my husband, the 4 of us as a family. It wasn't sad, it actually felt good. We decided we would make that a tradition to read that book every Christmas Eve night at Wiley's grave. That night, the whole sky was cloudy (snow was coming) but the moon had a huge ring around it. I thought maybe it was Wiley opening up that little part of the sky around the moon to listen and be there with us.

On Christmas morning, my husband and I sat in the living room floor and ate breakfast together and he surprised me with a present. Then, he went and got another present and it was a small box. It said, To: Mom From: Wiley. Tears fell from my eyes. My husband knows exactly how to make me feel better. Seeing the words 'To: Mom' just meant so much to me. And obviously so did 'From: Wiley.' I opened it and it was a necklace with Wiley's birthstone. It was perfect. We shared a moment together missing our sweet boy and what all that morning could have held. Then we got ready and went out to my parents for the day. It was just us, my parents, my brother, sister and her family. The people I am most comfortable around so it was nice to just spend the day with them. I'm so thankful for them. If I am laughing and having a good time, they don't judge me. If I'm short with them because I'm sad, they don't judge me. They just go with the flow. Sam and I actually had a pretty peaceful Christmas day. The build up was much worse than the actual day. (Always is) We didn't try to do too much because we knew it would just be overwhelming and emotional.

It actually snowed on Christmas day! Lots of it too! I tried to imagine what Christmas is like in Heaven. I'm sure its wonderful celebrating Jesus' birthday. And to think my son got to experience it all. That special boy. :)

I love you, little man.