1st Thanksgiving without you.

Today is a little bittersweet.  Okay, a lot bittersweet.  Today and most days I'm reminded of just how blessed I am.  I have SO much to be thankful for.  I have my husband, our 2 sweet babies, our health, my salvation, my family, friends, our home, our vehicles, my husband's job, the country we live in and a whole lot of other things we take for granted everyday.  That's the sweet part, that we have so much to be thankful for I could never list them all. 

Here is the bitter part.  There is one person that I am incredibly thankful that I have.  Except that I don't have him.  I had him.  I have him in my heart.  But I don't physically have my son on Earth with me on his first Thanksgiving or any other day of the year.  Ever.

Someone could easily think that my husband and I just got married, we've never had a child together during the holidays, this year won't be any different. 

Except it is. 

This year was supposed to be our first holidays as a family.  As a family who gets to watch their first child enjoy their first Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This year we would have started our own family traditions.  We aren't just a married couple with no children anymore.  We have children, just not physically here.  This is our first holidays as a family of our own, but our sweet boy is not here. 

So what do we do?  I haven't quite figured this one out yet.

A part of me wants to curl up in bed and put the covers over my head until the holidays pass over.  (Which I have done the first half of this day.)  A part of me wants to wallow in self pity.  A part of me doesn't want to see any family at all for the holidays.  A part of me says how can I possibly be thankful when my son is dead.  My first child is not here. 

But another part of me wants to remember it could be worse.  I want to remember all those things I said I was thankful for before.  A part of me wants to honor my son's life in every way I can.  Whether that's helping others, doing things in his memory or just live life showing people that GOD can.  And he will, if you allow him to. 

I would like to say how thankful I am for my husband.  He is my rock.  I could not make it each day without him. 

I'm so thankful for this sweet girl growing inside me right now.  She is my lifesaver.  She has so much love waiting on her and I'm SO grateful God is giving her to us.

And I'm so thankful for my sweet boy in heaven, Wiley.  He isn't here today, but I know he is waiting on me.  He has taught his mommy so much and has really changed my life.  I'm proud to be his mom. 

And most of all, I'm thankful that I'm saved.  If I didn't have Jesus in my heart before Wiley passed, I don't know how I would have made it the last 9 months.  I'm SO grateful for the promise of heaven and that I know I will be there one day and my family will all be together and complete.


Happy Thanksgiving baby.  I wish you were here with us today.  It was just 10 short months ago, Mommy was already picking out what outfit you would wear today.  I'm so thankful for you and that God chose me to be your mom.  I wouldn't take it back for anything.  We are another day closer to being together again.  I love you so much Wiley.