Tonight I decided to put Wiley's name gallery on Facebook for all of my friends to see. As I was putting up those pictures, I so wanted to put up pictures of my baby boy. I started to many times, but stopped. I have one picture of him on my Facebook and tonight I added 2 pictures of his sweet feet, but something just holds me back from putting up a few other of my favorite pictures of him. I don't mind putting them up on my blog because obviously my blog friends get it and anyone who comes to my blog that I know personally chooses to come to my blog. But something about every person I know being let into that Very sacred part of my life scares me. But yet, I want to show my baby off like everyone else!!! Anyway, I didn't post anymore pictures tonight.
Something that has been bothering me for awhile is everyone being so nice and talking to me about my pregnancy and this baby. Of course I go along with them and love to talk about this baby and pregnancy, but it stinks that the conversation has turned away from Wiley and "How are you doing?" to "I'm so happy for you!! Congrats!" In my head, I hear, "Oh thank goodness she's pregnant again so I have something to say to her. So glad things are going great for you!" (Probably not at all what people think, but what my sick mind turns it into.) I realize that people are going to want to talk about the living, not the dead. But they are both my babies. I still am hurting. I still miss my baby boy and I still want to talk about him. I didn't put on Facebook that I was pregnant until almost 15 weeks. I was hesitant because once everyone knew I was pregnant again, I was afraid everyone would assume we are okay now and no one would talk about Wiley anymore. I realize that most people just don't know what to say or had rather talk about something more upbeat to not upset me, but I just hate that it has to be that way.
Also, people have gone right back to the talk of when this baby gets here and the future with this baby. I hope and pray with all my heart, soul and every ounce of my being that this baby is here, healthy and alive in January. But I don't know that. My first baby isn't here and we thought he would be. Yesterday, someone in our family said, "So are you just getting more and more excited every day!!??" I was tired of lying so I said, "I'm really trying.." And they looked at me very puzzled and later told my husband they were worried about me. No one gets it.
I LOVE this baby. I WANT this baby. But I WILL NOT feel safe until this baby is crying in my arms. Period. I hate to be a debbie downer for everyone, but that's my reality.
Everyone wants us to be happy and our lives to go back to normal and they think since we have a baby on the way that everything is going to be great and wonderful now. No more talk about death or Wiley. Let's focus on happy things like living babies and forget everything else because babies don't die. Oh wait. Well, it was just an accident and it sure won't happen again.
It just puts a lot of pressure on me to get this baby here alive in January. (I know, I know. It's not my fault and there's nothing I can do differently.)
Sorry for my rant tonight. I just don't have anyone who understands so I had to get it out somehow. I probably don't make any sense. It's 2 AM. Goodnight.
Sweet dreams, little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings.
Amy that must be so difficult I am sorry. I have felt so many times that people don't understand. I dread the comments that will inevitably come when I do get pregnant. You have every reason to fell all that you are felling just try to make it through friend. I know it is hard especially at 2:00am. Saying a prayer for you now!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I know exactly how you feel! It seems like everyone is super excited but when I don't reciprocate they think I'm weird and lecture me for not being happy. If only they knew exactly what we have been through then they'll understand. I am grateful for everyday that I'm pregnant. Hang in there...you are definitely not alone.
ReplyDeleteI think you feel exactly as you should. No baby replaces another. You're right they are both your babies and always will be. I know it's hard to look at the future when you've been through so much. Keep trying to take it one day at a time. Let's get through this day before we look to tomorrow. Hold tight to your little man, there's room in your life for both! :)
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