2 years

Today is mine and my husband's 2 year Anniversary.  I am so glad God put him in my life at the right time and that he is my partner in this life.  I could not have asked God for a better man to be my husband.  He is the true definition of a man.  He is the only guy (besides my daddy) who has never broken my heart.  I had never been in a relationship where my heart was not broken at some point in time. (Some more than others) When I met Sam, everything just fell into place.  We didn't have to work at it.  It just came naturally.  I was waiting for something to go wrong because it was just so easy with Sam.  All my other relationships, it was a constant battle to work it out and keep it going.  We met almost 3 years ago right after I got out of a relationship.  We started dating and within a few weeks we were talking about getting married.  He proposed 4 months later and we were married 5 months after that.  So we met and married within 9 months but when you know, you know right? :)

  

Dating

Night we got engaged

Our wedding day

Us with Wiley at 22 weeks

At Wiley's service

Obviously, it is not always roses and butterflies. We have been through something most young couples do not and should not ever go through. Our smiles are not the same anymore. We may smile, but our smiles do not carry the same meaning behind them as they did before. We are not those people in the pictures above anymore. I wish we were. I wish we were still those young, innocent kids who got married, plan to have babies and live a life in la la land. But that wasn't the plan for our lives. We will never understand why, at least not here on Earth. 

When we were in the hospital about to deliver Wiley, our counselor was talking to us about what a strain losing a child puts on a marriage.  At the time, I didn't quite understand.  I thought, how could it put a strain when you are the only 2 people in the world that knows your child the way you do.  Wouldn't it bring you closer together?  But after we have been home almost 6 months, I can definitely see what she was talking about.  She told us a high percentage of couples do not make it through the loss of a child.  I remember after she left our room, Sam said to me, "You know that isn't going to be us, right?"  Even though at the time I didn't fully understand what we would go through when we got home, we made a promise to Wiley and ourselves that we would not let this destroy us. 

The immediate days and few weeks after we got home from the hospital, Sam and I cried together and grieved together.  We talked about how we were feeling and he allowed me to be there for him, as he was for me.  We didn't fight about anything.  Things that we used to bicker at each other over didn't seem important anymore.  I am a big worrier.  Before, I would worry myself sick when a big bill would come at the wrong time.  My husband is not a worrier.  He is so stress-free.  He believes everything will always work out.  After we got home from the hospital and hospital bills started pouring in and this and that.  Normally I would freak out, but we just had to let it go.  After you lose your baby, other things that you worried about before just seem so petty.  So Sam and I really connected in those few weeks after.   We learned quick that life was too short to be fighting and worrying. 

Then a few months passed and I started to understand why and how a marriage can be strained.  I never once loved my husband less or didn't want to be with him, but we started grieving alone and differently.  I became depressed where I didn't care about anyone or anything but Wiley and my grief.  My husband started burying himself in work and projects outside and I was still struggling and suffering alone inside.  He stayed busy and that helped him not to think about what was really going on inside of him.  I stayed not busy. I was at home by myself and was drowning in my grief everyday.  While I was realized that being busy and outside the house helped him, I didn't care.  It didn't help me.  I needed him in here with me, all the time.  He would listen to my feelings at anytime, but hardly ever had words to speak back to me.  He never told me how he was feeling, if he had a bad day, if he cried, if he was really missing Wiley, nothing.  I had no clue what was going on with him.  Which made me drown even more.  I knew in my heart Sam was hurting more than he would ever say, but on the outside it looked like he was doing better and I was getting left further and further behind.  So I would get angry with him that he could go a day without crying or that he had a job to go to everyday to stay busy.  I would get angry because he wouldn't share his feelings with me.  In reality,  I was just so consumed with my grief that I got angry if he wasn't grieving exactly like I was because it made me feel alone. 

I felt very lonely.  Like everyone else's life was going on, moving forward and I'm still stuck.  If it wasn't bad enough that everyone else's was moving forward, I felt like my own husband, the person who was supposed to be with me in this was moving forward too.  I have since learned that that couldn't be further from the truth.  We have had many conversations about this.  Most of which, I sit bawling my eyes out telling him everything and he just tries to console me, but never spills his guts.  He still doesn't, but I'm starting to understand why and that that is just how he handles things. 

I still feel this way sometimes, but things have gotten better.  My husband and I are in it for the long haul no matter what.  I'm learning how he grieves and he is being more sensitive to the way I grieve.  We will never grieve the same because we are 2 different people.  I'm mommy and he is daddy and even though we are both Wiley's parents, even Sam doesn't know Wiley the way I do.  I have come to accept the fact that we aren't going to grieve the same and I am not alone, even though I will still feel this way sometimes. 


So Happy 2 year Anniversary to my husband!!! I wish neither one of us knew this heartache that we face everyday, but I'm so glad he is by my side through this life.  He did give me the most beautiful baby boy I've ever laid my eyes on and a precious sweet baby on the way.  I love him and our family so much!



I can't wait for that day in Heaven when Daddy and I are reunited with you, sweet boy. 

We love you so very much!