Finally letting some of it out

So I have been neglecting my blog the last few weeks.  I have continued reading other blogs and I have wrote out several blog posts, but can't seem to publish any of them.  I honestly think its because more and more people that I know personally (ya know, in real life) have been reading my blog.  That makes me nervous.  It's hard for me to post something so raw and so real where people I actually know can read.  It's hard for me to make myself that vulnerable in front of people I know and who haven't experienced loss like this before.  I am the kind of person who does not let my guard down in front of anyone except my husband.  I am actually a VERY emotional person, but something inside of me feels like when I'm in front of my family and friends I need to put my mask on and buck up.  I act totally fine in front of everyone I know, but it couldn't be further from the truth.  So I'm letting some it out today. 

Because I am that way, it causes people to assume I'm doing better and getting on with my life. 
Am I doing better? Yes, definitely.  I can function and get out of bed in the mornings, but my heart is still completely broken.  I miss my baby boy more today than ever.  At times, the pain is so intense that it throws me right back to when it happened and I felt my life could not possibly go on.  Sometimes I feel that way. How can I possibly go on with my life without my child?      

The fact is I have to keep going for Wiley, for his baby brother or sister, for my husband and family.  But I can't say there aren't times when I just don't want to or I just don't feel like it.  Lately, I have been sinking back into that depression.  It got better for a little while, but it consumes me when I'm alone and during the day.  Yes I'm 5 1/2 months out, but these are the days Wiley is supposed to be here and growing and playing.  I should never be bored or lonely.  I should be taking care of my baby instead of other kids.  So every day, every second is a constant reminder of who isn't here but should be.  I know I'm not telling you baby loss mommies anything new.  But for everyone else, just because I'm 5 1/2 months out and pregnant again, does not mean I'm okay or it's any easier.  Being pregnant after a loss is so hard.  I didn't realize just how hard it would be. 

Let me tell you, I am SO THANKFUL for this child I'm carrying.  I realize how BLESSED we truly are to be able to get pregnant again.  Do not get me wrong.  I love this baby so much and I wish it was January because I NEED this baby here.  But a part of me is having a hard time letting go of the plan I first had for my life.  I saw something similar on By the Brooke and it was exactly what I was feeling.  She said, "I didn't want to make a new plan because I loved the old plan so much."  Even though I am so happy and thrilled for this baby, it has been hard for me to accept my new plan when I'm still stuck on my old plan.  I loved it so much.  That plan was with my baby, all of my babies.  In that plan, I never had to face the death of my child.  That plan my husband and I welcome our first child into the world and live the dream life.  That plan was perfect.  

In this plan, I have to learn to live again.  I will not say that it gets easier with time because it just doesn't.  At all.  I just learn to live with it.  In this plan, we are expecting our second child, without our first by our side.  I don't even know if I can say that I truly expect this child to be here yet.  Isn't that sad?  That us moms who know what can happen, can never have a pregnancy like we had again.  We can't be like normal women who get pregnant and never expect anything less than popping out a baby in the end.  It just doesn't work that way for us.  I think that's the reason it is still so hard for me to see pregnant women or babies because it's just seems so easy for them.  Sometimes though, I look at pregnant women and wonder, What if that mom is just like me? Maybe she has lost a baby, maybe she knows.

I know that my plans are not God's plans.  I know it may be a new plan for me, but it's not for God. 

So as far as I know baby is doing good.  I have been listening to his/her heartbeat every 2-3 days.  I have been trying not to do it every day.  Heartbeat is always so strong.  I have an ultrasound tomorrow.   There is a good possibility that we will find out what we are having, at least a big hint.  We are hoping so, but I'm actually very nervous about finding out.  I know in the end, it won't matter at all what we are having.  We just want a healthy and breathing baby!  I'll let you guys know after tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is also August 1.  On that day last year, we found out we were pregnant.  No one in the world (not even my husband)  knows what that date means or any other dates.  Dates are so important to me.  Certain dates, weeks, the 17th, Thursdays, Fridays, February, April, etc. Tomorrow marks 1 year that our lives changed forever.  Wiley has consumed our lives for one whole year.  I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that little guy SO much.