This picture was taken when I was 24 weeks pregnant with Wiley. In just 8 short weeks, my life was going to be forever changed. Forever shattered, stunned.
In this picture, I knew no sadness. I was obvious and naive to what could happen. Sure it ran across my mind a few times, but Never did I think it would happen to me. I thought that in 16 more weeks, my little man would be here.
In this picture, I was happy. Truly happy. I was blissfully pregnant and loved going out and showing my belly off. Never once thinking that what if I am that pregnant girl the baby loss mommy glares at with jealously and agony.
I look at that girl in this picture. I'm forgetting what it felt like to be her. What it felt like to love life, to be happy, to only see wonderful things ahead. I don't know that girl anymore. I am not her anymore. I want to grab her and shake her and tell her that things don't always turn out like we planned. Just because you're 31 weeks and 5 days pregnant does not mean you are bringing a baby home in the end. But I also want to tell her to rub your belly more. Talk to him more. Read to him more. Sing to him more. Take more pictures. Tell him you love him over and over. Enjoy each and every kick and roll. Take more videos of your moving belly. Write down everything. Enjoy that big grin on your face because it will soon be gone. You are soon going to experienced heartache to a level you never knew existed. You are going to question everything you've ever believed in and known. But you are also going to experience Love like you've never known.
Oh how I wish I was still this girl.
Mommy is really missing you, sweet boy.
This is a great post. I think you speak the feelings of lots of mommies who've lost babies. I can't stand looking at myself in pictures pregnant with Jake, when I so innocently thought he'd be here soon. I have one that I took for Payton of me in the er, the Friday before my water broke... I was terrified, yet smiling. I hate it! I miss true happiness as well.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your sweet rainbow!
Beautiful post! I have said these things over and over to myself. I think I even have a post about it. Except, I don't have a cute picture to go with it, I only have a candid shot of myself going about my daily life never thinking it would end the way it did. I miss that girl too. Thank for not being the only one.
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