somewhere over the rainbow..

Our little blessing of Hope.

Do you see that little bean right there, my friends? I'm so happy to announce that that little bean is our rainbow baby!  We just went to our first doctor's appt. this past Friday.  My doctor wanted to see me at 6 weeks to do an ultrasound.  I was soooo nervous.  I couldn't sleep the night before.  Woke up very anxious and nervous.  Mainly because the last time I had an ultrasound was to confirm the death of my sweet boy.  So naturally this appointment gave me lots of anxiety.  I felt like my mind was trying to prepare me for the worse, for them to say, "I'm sorry, but..."  When our doctor started the ultrasound, I had to close my eyes.  I could not look at first to see if I could find the heartbeat myself because that's what I did with Wiley.  When she opened up the ultrasound, I immediately looked at Wiley and found his heart.  I was trying to find it beating before she did so I could say, "It's there, I see it!" But I couldn't find it and neither could she.  So this time was different.  I just held my breath, closed my eyes, prayed and waited for our doctor to say something.  After a few seconds he said the most beautiful words ever.  "There's your baby and there's the heartbeat!"  I looked at the screen real quick and just smiled with tears in my eyes.  There is our baby.  Wiley's little brother or sister.  You could just see the heartbeat pumping away.  I was amazed.  We also got to listen to the heartbeat. The most wonderful sound in the world to me.  A heartbeat.  A beating heart.  It is so amazing that even at 6 weeks 1 day, we could already see and hear the heartbeat. Wow.  Due date as of now is Jan. 31, 2013. 

Sam and I found out almost 3 weeks ago that we were pregnant.  It was our first month trying.  We thank God and we realize that we are so blessed to be able to get pregnant so easily because I know it is a struggle for most.  The second I found out, I was immediately excited!  But the days after, I was a little bummed out.  NOT because we were pregnant, but because we had to try again.  Because we shouldn't even be thinking about getting pregnant or having another baby yet.  Don't get me wrong, I was so happy and grateful, but it made me grieve for Wiley all over again.  I struggled with this for a few weeks and will again many times I know.  But we do feel so blessed and so thankful that this little baby is here now. 

I know that those emotions are just the beginning of this hard road to January 31, 2013.  I know I'll still be grieving Wiley the entire time of carrying his little brother or sister.  I know I'll still have to deal with pregnant women, newborns, baby sections, baby stuff, etc.  Even though I'm pregnant now, that doesn't mean seeing pregnant women or newborns doesn't bother me anymore.  It still bothers me, Big Time.  I know because I was put in this position yesterday at a family reunion with new babies and pregnant women and talk of babies.  I should have been right in there with them yesterday showing Wiley off.  Just because I'm pregnant doesn't make my pain go away or lessen.  Wiley's death is still as real to me now as ever.  I still miss him like crazy.  My heart still hurts.  Time has not and will not heal my wounds.  And contrary to what some might think, the belief that "you can always have more children" DOES NOT fix things.  I know I'll also have to start dealing with questions like, "Is this your first?" "Do you have other children?"  blah blah blah.  I encountered my first one Friday at the doctor.  There was this nurse who actually was our nurse for a little while when I was pregnant with Wiley and never remembered us then and obviously still doesn't.  I needed bloodwork done and the lady stepped out so this nurse said she would do it real quick.  While she was drawing my blood, she said, "Is this your first?"  This was the first time I had been asked this.  It knocked the breath out of me, but I could not deny my son.  I said, "No."   She said, "Oh! Then you're an old pro at this!"  (I thought, if you only knew.) She said, "Do you have a little boy or girl?"  I said, "I have a little boy who passed away at 32 weeks."  She said (probably feeling like crap) "Oh I'm sorry!"  And that was the end of it. I got through it.  I didn't lie and I didn't deny him.  I got to say for the first time to a stranger, I have a son!!!

Today I am 6 weeks 3 days, so I know it is still Very early.  I know anything can happen between now and January 31.  So I didn't figure waiting to tell you guys would help any.  I'm just trying to stay positive and enjoy every single day of this pregnancy.  But obviously, January cannot get here fast enough ;)

I really hope I don't upset any of you baby loss mommies by my news.  I know how upsetting it can be, trust me.  But for me, seeing those who have known loss get pregnant or have their rainbow baby has helped me and gave me hope.  This blog will still focus on my journey through grief. 


Love you, sweet Wiley and thank you. I know you had a hand in helping God send us your little brother or sister.