I will find you again

Okay friends.  My heart has been heavy with something the past 2 days.  I have been struggling with God's plan for my life.  Ya know the hardest part about trusting God in all of this is knowing that he had the power to unwrap that cord from Wiley's neck.  He had the power to not let the cord cut off his circulation.  He had the power to turn things around, but he chose not to.  Why? This loving God chose not to save my child? How could this be?

Jesus also cried out to God when facing the cross.  God could have saved him, but chose not to.  Even though Jesus submitted to God's plan, he still wrestled with it.  And look what a beautiful plan it was.  Now we all may have eternal life with our Jesus and our babies because of God's beautiful plan.

Hebrews 5:7-8 Who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared; Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered. (KJV)

I don't know what God's plan for my life is or why this happened to us.  I don't understand it at all.  I wish it had not happened.  I wish Wiley was here with us today.  But I know there is such a beautiful plan God has laid out for us and our lives. 

I have read parts of the book Plan B by Pete Wilson.  (I ordered the book, but accidently ordered it in Spanish so I have yet to read it all.)  This may be our Plan B, but it's not God's.  This was God's plan all along.  Wiley was never supposed to live beyond 31 weeks and 5 days.  I wrestle with this too.  But to be totally honest, if I knew before Wiley was even conceived that he was going to die,  I would do it all over again.  Those 32 weeks with him were the best weeks of my life.  He has taught me so much and has made me a mommy.  I'm so grateful for my sweet boy, no matter how short his little life was.  I would do it again to feel those big kicks and rolls, to feel his little butt pushed out on the side of my belly, to feel that foot underneath my rib, to hold him again, kiss him and stare at him.  He has already been the greatest blessing Sam and I could ever ask for and I know his story is not over yet.  His story is God's story and there's beauty in that. 

Lately I have been feeling really sad about all these mommies who have to go through burying their children.  I have been sad about those women who can't get pregnant or who miscarry.  I have a whole new outlook on moms who lose children.  Before this, I could not possibly understand or comprehend the extent to what it felt like.  Now, I have a heart for everyone.  I don't dismiss anyone's pain or grief because I haven't walked in their shoes.  I ran across Lucy's Story this morning.  This little girl has cancer and there is nothing else anyone can do.  I can't imagine watching your child suffer like that and knowing there is nothing you can do.  I think about all those children out there in hospitals suffering and all the pain and suffering in this world.  It's sickening sometimes. 

For a long time after Wiley's death, Wednesday night and Thursdays were harder on me than Fridays.  Because I know he died late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning and Thursday is the day I found out he died, but Fridays were sweeter to me because that was the day he was born and I saw him for the very first time. 

But did you know the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:1 that A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth.

Meaning the day of death is better than the day of birth.  If you think about it, the day of birth is the day you enter into the cruelty of this sin-filled world, the pain, the suffering.  But if you're a believer, your death day is the day you enter a perfect place with absolutely no pain or suffering for all of eternity!  I had never really thought of it that way.  For a long time, I wanted to hide under a rock on Thursdays, but really that was the day Wiley entered our Heavenly Home.  Where he is in the arms of Jesus forever.  Where he knows of nothing bad and never will. 

Wow.  God picked my son to experience this beautiful, perfect place and never experience the pain of this world?  God picked me and my husband to be this chosen baby's parents?

Isaiah 57:1-2  The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come.  He shall enter into peace: they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprightness.

He's there.  He's safe.  And I will meet him there one day.

I'll be the first to say that I hated when someone would tell me this is God's plan or everything happens for a reason.  But I have been wrestling with God's plan for my life for a few months and I finally got some peace about it this week while studying His Word. 
Will I still struggle with it? Yes. 
I will never understand in this life. I still wish he was here, but I know if I could see what Wiley is doing in Heaven right now, I could never possibly wish him back into this world.


I will find you again, sweet baby. 

This is the only video I could find.