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I have been hearing about the episode of Private Practice last night, so I decided to watch it. The baby was born without a brain and the mom decided she wanted to donate his organs before he actually died.  She first said she didn't want to see him and wanted him to be taken away, but after he was born she was in awe of him.  Then she had to give him over to the surgery team. 

All I could think of was that moment I had to hand Wiley over.  We knew the time was coming.  We had about 23 hours with him, which is longer than most that I've heard of.  I'm so grateful for the amount of time we got to spend with Wiley. Our counselor told us we could leave Wiley with her until the funeral home got there or we could stay and give him to the funeral home people.  I didn't want to do either.  I didn't want to leave the hospital knowing he was still there.  But I did not want to see the funeral home people and have to give him to them.  So we decided that we would be notified when the funeral home got there and our counselor would take him down to them.  She told us after she called them, that they would be there in about 20 minutes.  So we packed up all of our stuff and our families waited in the other room.  My husband and I were going to spend those last minutes with Wiley alone, just the three of us.  Well, 20 minutes turned into about an an hour and a half.  I knew it was time, but I didn't want to let him go.  Everytime I heard the door to our room open, my heart skipped a beat.  I didn't want it to end.  I didn't want to say goodbye.  She finally came in and said, "They're here." Our nurse wheeled in a wheelchair for me. Then it was time for me to give Wiley to her.  I knew she would be so gentle with him.  Placing Wiley in her arms was the absolute hardest thing I will Ever have to do. 

He's my baby.  He grew inside of me.  I birthed him.  We had dreams and plans for him.  And I had to give him away, just like that.  Everything just ripped away from me in a split second.  I placed the biggest part of my heart in her arms that day to take away.  A huge chunk of my heart went with Wiley to Heaven and a part of me died that day when I had to place him in her arms. 

I sat down in my wheelchair and our counselor held Wiley and walked beside me down the hall.  She then had to go down another hallway and I had to keep going towards the elevator.  We all stopped in the hallway when she had to turn.  I kind of nodded my head and raised my hand. In my head saying, Bye. Bye baby.  I'll see you when I get there.  That was the strongest moment of my life.  It was all I could do to keep my bottom stuck to that wheelchair.  It was all I could do to not jump up like a crazy lady saying, NO!!!!! GIVE HIM BACK! 

But I didn't.  I remained strong.  Wiley has shown me strength in myself that I never knew existed.  He has taught me so much about myself and life. 

Gosh.  I can't wait to meet this incredible little boy in Heaven one day. 

Isn't he beautiful? I just can't get over it.