Today, May 10th, is my birthday. On this day one year ago, my husband and I decided that we were ready to have a baby. We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant 3 months later.
So on my last birthday we were thinking by my next birthday (now) we could have a little baby here. We should have a little baby here right now. My husband, Wiley and I should be going to dinner tonight to celebrate. My husband could be carrying a baby carseat in the restaurant with us. I should have a birthday card that says from Daddy and Wiley. Oh how I wish the three of us were spending the entire day together. This isn't what I pictured my first birthday as a Mommy to be. Who would have thought that within one year, we would stop birth control, get pregnant, deliver a beautiful baby boy, bury our first child and be right back where we started, except now chest deep in grief and missing Wiley.
At least this year my birthday didn't fall on Mother's day (sometimes it does). That would be bad. I did have a nice day with my husband, but I really missed Wiley today. Today is just another day in that 'first year of firsts.' My first birthday without him and Sunday will be my first Mother's day. I so dread Mother's day.
I am having more better days. I'm able to enjoy myself a little more and laugh, but Wiley doesn't leave my mind for a minute. Even though I'm not crying every second like I was a month ago, I'm still constantly thinking of him and wishing he was here. My heart just hurts to have him here. Behind my laugh, smile, my dry eyes is a Mommy who aches for her baby.
There will be a day, sweet boy. There will be a day.
Happy Birthday! I'm so sorry that your heart is heavy and hurting. I know this pain all too well. Jake has been in heaven 3have months today, he was supposed to be here in 3 weeks, not already in Heaven. Life's just not the same. I'll keep you in my prayers as Mother's Day approaches. :)
ReplyDeleteI so feel for you!! It is all the should be's that are the worse. I want to wish you a peaceful birthday. I too am dreading mother's day and will be out hiking instead of doing what we normally do. I wish I could completely avoid the day but my daughter has stuff for me and is looking forward to it even if I am not. One more event down so many more to go..
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! I know it was not as happy as you would of liked. This is such a hard path, you are making it like you said the first are the worst. I am so sad about mothers day and I have other children I can not imagine how you feel. I am saying a prayer for you now and will be praying for you mothers day. You are a wonderful mommy to Wiley he is so loved, you deserve a special mothers day. I know it will be hard but I hope you family honors you. HUGS my friend, saying a prayer for you now!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Amy. {{{{hugs}}}}
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Amy! I am imagine how hard it was for you but I'm glad that you were able to spend the day with your husband. This Mother's Day is hitting me really hard though in front of everyone else I say I'm fine. I just want the first of firsts to be over with! Hugs to you and hope you have a nice and peaceful weekend!
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