One missing

So yesterday we went to church. We haven't been going like we should since Wiley passed away.  I should find comfort in going and sometimes all I want to do is go to church.  But when I'm actually there,  my mind is so consumed with Wiley and with all the triggers around me.  Pregnant women, a baby crying, a newborn baby, etc.  I will be praying that it will bring me comfort and those other things will not consume my mind during church.

I have been thinking about Mother's day and not really sure what that day is going to bring for me.  I have been thinking it may be just way too much to be at church that day because the sermon is usually about mothers and they will acknowledge moms and such.  Well, yesterday in the program I notice that Mother's day will be the baby dedication.  Wonderful.  Wonderful for everyone else, yes.  What a better Mother's day gift than to have your baby there and get to dedicate your baby to the Lord.  What a better day to do it too, I mean all the new babies on Mother's day.  Because babies don't die and Mother's day is a glorious day for All mothers.  Right?

But hello, what about me? What about my baby?  I should be able to dedicate my little one month old son on my first Mother's day.  Ugh.  Needless to say (and this is terrible), but I most likely will not be attending church that day. 

After church we went to lunch with my husband's family.  Pretty much the whole family was there so they wanted to get a family picture.  All I could think of was I didn't want to take a family picture.  The whole family is not here.  Wiley is not here.  He should be, but he's not.  Anyway, we took the pictures and I silently smile for them.  I kept thinking there is one missing.  I wondered if anyone else in the family was thinking the same thing.  Was anyone else thinking we are missing one?  Does that run through everyone else's mind, like it does mine?  Probably not. I got in the car with my husband and started crying.  I said, "Wiley should have been in that picture."  He said, "I know. I kept thinking that too."

In every picture we take for the rest of our lives, we will always have one missing.  Even if we have 4 other children, every family picture we will always be missing Wiley.