If only you were here

Today is 10 weeks since I last saw Wiley.  10 weeks since I held him, kissed him, and touched him.  Oh how I miss him.

I try to picture what my life would be like today if Wiley was here.  What life would be like with a newborn in the house.  What life would be like to be a mom to a living baby.  I wonder what life would be like with a whole new little person in our home.  What it would be like to never be bored or lonely.  What it would be like to dress another person before we leave the house.  What it would be like to carry a carseat in and out or push a stroller around.  I wonder what it would be like to carry a diaper bag instead of a purse.  What it would be like to be feeding and changing diapers all day.  I wonder what it would be like to breastfeed.  What would it be like to rock Wiley to sleep.  I wish I knew what it was like to have Wiley asleep on my chest.  What would it be like to be busy all the time, to always be needed by someone?

How different my life would be if he were here.

These are all things I was looking forward to experiencing.  I don't get to do any of that stuff, not now anyway.

When I think of a Saturday, I think of hanging out with your family after working all week.  Going to town and spending the day together or staying at home and watching a movie.  I think of the kids playing outside while you watch them or try to get something done. 

To me, a Saturday is just like any other day of the week.  My husband has to work on Saturdays so I'm home just like I am the rest of the week.  No different really.  Before I thought I would have Wiley with me everyday.  I would never be bored or alone anymore.  We could go see Daddy at work and visit family on Saturdays.  When Daddy was off work, we could do stuff as a family.  Spend the whole weekend together.  A mom and a dad pushing a stroller around together at the park, the mall or the zoo.  I want to do this stuff.  I wanted to do this stuff with Wiley.  Every time we get invited to something or go somewhere I think, Wiley should be going with us.  I wonder what it would be like if he was here to go with us. 

I'm lonely today.  I wish he was here. 

Mommy misses you, little man.


P.S.  I have been working/trying things out on my blog so it may change a lot.  I have put up new pages with Wiley's birth story and his name gallery.  There is also a page with all the songs that I love and that have helped me.  I put the videos up so you can just click and listen.