Today marks 9 weeks that our lives were forever changed. I feel like I'm all over the place.
I usually like a clean house and all the laundry done. I like to be organized. If there is something that needs to be done in town, I get in the car and go do it. I have always done the things that need to be done around the house.
But now I have no desire whatsoever to do any of those things. I don't want to clean my house or do laundry. I definitely do not want to cook dinner. I don't care if the bills get paid or if I even shower. I have worn tshirts since the funeral and I haven't put on make up since. I don't even blow dry my hair anymore. It takes everything out of me to go to town and get something when I'm by myself. I'm afraid I'll see someone I know or someone will ask me if I have kids or something. Stuff just piles up on the desk or counter and I just don't care. Sometimes I just don't care about anything. I feel like I can't get anything done. Sometimes I try to pick up the house, but I get tired and I just stop.
The bad thing is I stay at home. I was planning on staying home with Wiley so I don't have a job right now. The house is the only thing I have to do and I can't even get stuff done. It's frustrating.
My husband gets the bad end of the deal because he has to go to work everyday, whether he feels like it or not. Which makes me feel bad. He has to go to work and deal with it everyday. People come in and ask him how the new baby is and 'Are you a daddy yet?' I don't know how he does it. He is so strong. Then, he has to come home to a messy house, groceries still on the counter and dinner not cooked. I feel like a terrible wife! But he never gets upset at me for it. Bless his heart. He has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. And I feel so bad that I'm not always doing everything I should for him. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one going through this. I get so caught up in my grief that I forget that my husband sometimes needs me. SO my goal for this next week is to start doing a little at a time. Trying to get something, anything accomplished each day. I need to be organized again. I need to focus on something.
Has anyone else felt like it was so hard to accomplish the small things? Am I just a crazy lady?
Oh my yes, I am having such a hard time with the day to day task they seem overwhelming. It has been close to 12 weeks since Jonathan went to Heaven. I am so thankful for my other children but it is difficult to concentrate on all that has to be done for them right now. Like you said I start something then I get overwhelmed and worn out. This is not at all like me, it is a side effect of grief. My husband has also been very gracious. Do not be hard on yourself things will return to normal in time. I think it is good to take it slow. Saying a prayer for you sweet freind.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're crazy at all. I feel the same way, I have no desire to go to town and see people ... talk to anyone... I don't even want to go shopping. I don't want to see people with their newborns, knowing mine won't ever get to ride happily in his carseat around stores... knowing I won't have him here with me again. I'm very amazed, yesterday at my attorney's office( also my former employer), my old boss asked me before anyone could warn him how the baby was, and I didn't break down. I think this is all a normal part or grieving and eventually, slowly but surely you may feel like venturing out again. It's just hard. I think it's a good plan to try and do tiny bits at a time... just don't overwhelm yourself... only you know what you can handle. :) Prayers for you and your hubby!
ReplyDeleteJessica
No, you are not crazy!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to get back into the swing of things and life after losing a baby/child.
It is better to stay busy, it really does help.
Even though my little girl will be in heaven for 4years this May if I just sit around I feel worse, when I am busy I feel better :)
(((HUGS)))
Thanks for visiting. So sorry for the loss of your sweet Wiley.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to getting to know more moms like me.
Hi I was not sure if you got this....You can look at shabby blogs or cutest blogs on the block they have free headers! I made mine in Photobucket. I would be happy to help you if you have any problems :) Also if you need help to make Wiley picture a button that can tell his story.
ReplyDeleteSweet friend, you are not a bad wife...just a grieving one. I totally understand and feel it with you. There are many days and moments that I feel like I can barely get up and get going...let alone do anything termed productive. But like you said, you just need to do one thing at a time. Maybe you could think of doing one task, like a load of laundry or a sink of dishes, or a counter full of papers. I've done better when I separate it out like that, otherwise if I look at the whole house it just overwhelms me. I encourage you to get out as much as you can. The more you face it head on, the easier it gets. I remember one of our grief counselors saying that it would be a good idea to have a set story in mind to tell people when they ask you questions. That has helped me. I sometimes get tired of saying the same thing over and over, but at least I don't have to think about it too much. Have you found a support group for bereaved parents in your area? Maybe a ministry through your hospital or church? I'll pray for you tonight. God be with you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Melody
I totally understand and your not crazy. in two days it will be 7 months since I had my angel son and the daily small things of life have become more of a chore every day. Like you said, I was the same way- always cleaning and keeping things tidy and organized. Its sad to say but I literally have to have my husband come home from work and complain to me about the house before I even consider cleaning anything up. I dont want to do anything, touch anything. Sometimes it will take weeks to do the laundry or put the dishes away. I just dont have the desire. I dont have any other children to wake me up every day and I work 2-10 so I sleep till 12 in the afternoon.
ReplyDeleteSome days are easier and I thank God for those days. Other days my husband has to push me out of bed. I lost my dad 16 years ago and I have to remind myself, it may not be easier as time goes on but I sure know that I am learning how to manage myself better as time goes on. That is what matters, one step at a time, no matter how long it takes to grieve. This is your child, you should never get over them, just learn how to live with the goal that one day you'll meet them again.
I agree with getting out. It was hard at first for me, but it will make you not feel so locked up and overwhelmed.
Sorry about the rambling, lol I felt like I was reading my own words.
In my prayers.
I am new to your blog and haven't even had a chance to read a lot yet, just this post. You are not crazy girl, definitely not. I am 8.5 months out from our daughter's birth and death and there are still days that I just don't want to move. I say that to help not to depress you! :) Grief is a difficult dance and things will come and go as time moves on...My husband and I will keep you and yours in our prayers. I am so sorry for your loss...the loss of a sweet little man and all those dreams you had for him. Stay strong mama and lean on the Lord, He is your peace and your comfort through any storm that life has to offer.
ReplyDeleteNicki
Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Nope, not crazy. You should see my house and I stay home too! I have started counseling and on a anti-depression med (not something I wanted to but I needed to do) and it has helped, but my house still is a mess. I hate looking at our checking account, we've eaten out so much and laundry is piling. And my husband...like yours....trying to be strong for the both of us!! One moment at a time, we'll find a moment of energy....we can only try to grab it an run, even if it's at a turtles pace!! {{{{hugs}}}}}}
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