April

April.  It's finally here. Supposed to be the happiest month of my life. The month Wiley is due to be born.  The month he is supposed to be here.

Exactly 8 months ago from today was August 1, 2011.  That was the day I found out I was pregnant.  The day I so anxiously sat there and stared waiting for those 2 pink lines. The day I cried happy tears and smiled.  That was the day I got down on my knees and thanked God for sending us such a special blessing.  I found out my due date was April 13, 2012. 

April, it seemed forever away then.  I waited for this month for so long it felt like.  Now April is here and my baby is not. Never in my worst nightmares did I think this is what my April would look like this year. 

I just can't believe it's here. Sometimes I still can't believe Wiley is not.  I still feel like I'm in a dream sometimes.  Did that just happen? Is my baby really gone? Was I really pregnant? Is this really my life? I have to stop myself and look around the room.  I wish it was just a dream.  I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare and Wiley be in my tummy or in my arms.  But this is real.  This is my new life.  The pain I feel everyday is unlike anything I can describe.  The pain of losing a child is like no other.  I miss him.  My hopes and dreams for us, for Wiley, for our future together are crushed, gone forever. 

If everything went perfectly, Wiley might still be in my tummy until April 13.  Probably not because he was a big guy, but he wasn't due until April.  I think in my mind, surely May and June will be a little better.  But in May and June, Wiley would have been 1 month old and 2 months old.  We would be doing all these things we had planned, going on family vacation, going to weddings, graduations.  Showing off our little guy.  I can't possibly see how May and June will be any better.  Those are the months he was really supposed to be here in our arms and growing.

My heart is real heavy tonight.  I'm missing Wiley so bad.  I have some books by my computer, some I used to read to Wiley and some books on grief.  One book that our grievance counselor gave us was Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears in Heaven.  I look at the cover of that book many times throughout the day.  I read the words, Mommy, Please Don't Cry. I think about that word, Mommy.

I long to hear my baby say, "Mommy."  I sit on the forch porch sometimes and close my eyes, imagining Wiley being 3 years old playing in the yard.  I picture him yelling, "Mommy! Watch me! Look at me!"  And I see him.  When I close my eyes, I see that sweet boy playing in the yard saying Mommy.  When I open them, I see my yard.  No Wiley, no anything.  Just me, by myself.  Lonely. 

I wonder if I will ever hear the word, "Mommy" said to me.  It hurts my heart so bad to think what if I don't.  People say I'll have more children, but they don't know that and neither do I.  People probably would have said before that everything will be fine and Wiley will be here and completely healthy! But I lost my first and only child.  I really do hope one day Wiley has little brothers and sisters here on Earth.  But I sure wish he was here right now. 

April may be here.  It may be the worst month of my life.  But I look forward to getting to Heaven one day and having this sweet little boy named Wiley say, "Mommy!" as he runs into my arms. 

I'll meet you there sweet boy, Mommy loves you.