Held

Some people the past few weeks have came to me and told me how strong I am or that I'm an inspiration.  Honestly, I don't feel strong.  They just see the outside of me. If they read this blog or saw me in my darkest hours, they would see that I struggle. I'm human. I think it's unfair. I scream, yell and I ask God, 'Why?' 

I want to be very honest here. I'm kind of in the midst of it all.  I do believe. My faith has not been questioned.  But naturally, I don't understand.  I don't understand why this happened. 

People have asked, "How do you not question God at a time like this?" 
I definitely Do Not question his existence, especially now. Because I know my baby boy is with God in Heaven.  But do I ask why? Of course. I'm human. I do feel angry sometimes.  I sometimes avoid talking to God because I'm angry and just don't understand.  I've really been working on instead of keeping my feelings to myself, I share it with God.  He can take it. He shares our pain.  God made us to be human and feel human feelings. So yes, I may just be expressing my feelings of anger and not understanding, but at least I'm talking to Him. He's there to listen until I'm ready to completely let go of it all and give it to Him.

I have thought, 'what if God is punishing me for something?' 'what did I do wrong that I deserved this?' 
After I come to realization, I know God did not do this to us. When God saved me almost 9 years ago, he cleansed me from all sin. So I know he isn't punishing me for anything.  Jesus took care of that for me on the cross.

God did not promise that we wouldn't have trials.  He did not promise that bad things will never happen to good people.  But He did promise that when we do go through trials, he would be there.  He promised to love and care for us.  He would give us strength.  He would hold us and comfort us.

God will see my husband and I through this.  We have hope in one day we will be in Heaven with Wiley.  Thinking about that day, brings a smile to my face.  "What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see."  I will also see my baby.

Held

by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held