Wiley's stuff

It's about 2:30 am. I can't sleep.  Sitting here looking a pictures of my baby. I need to look at pictures of him.  All the time.  Most of the time, it helps.  I smile as I look at his pictures.  Tonight, I'm crying.  I'm crying because I just miss him so bad. I want him here.

I was looking at a picture of him with this little John Deere tag blankie.  I started thinking about the day I called my mom and I found all this John Deere stuff on Esty.  I told her every single thing I wanted.  I told her I was going to wait until after my baby shower to order the stuff, just in case I got something like it.  I had told her that I wanted these John Deere burp cloths, this John Deere boppy pillow cover, and John Deere tag blankie.  There was also this tractor gown I had found in a shop one day.  It was the cutest thing ever.  I found it before we found out 100% that Wiley was a boy.  I started to buy it, but the price was a bit high and I didn't.  I looked and looked for the gown again.

After we found out, but before I delivered Wiley, the counselor suggested getting things from home that we wanted to dress him in or put in pictures with him.  I was trying to picture his closet in my mind. What did I want to bring him home in? or What did I really wanted to dress him in?  I wanted to dress him in all the clothes.  But I thought of a few of ones that were my favorite.  I sent my brother and sister after a few items at our house.  I can't imagine what it was like for them to have to go into his room and closet that night and get those things for me, but so thankful they did.

My mom came to me that night in the hospital, she told me she a few things in her car that I might want to use if I wanted her to bring them up.  I said, "Sure." Not really knowing what she was talking about. She later came back with a brown bag.  I pulled out the items in it and there were all the things I had told her about weeks before.  John Deere tag blankie, burp cloths, boppy cover and the tractor gown that I had wanted for months.  She said she had ordered them for my baby shower. It meant so much to me. And I'm so glad I had them for this pictures.

This all leads me to thinking about all the stuff we had already bought Wiley.  Tons of clothes, all with the tags on them. I was about a week away from washing them all.  He had two pairs of camo boots, which were Christmas presents.  Lots of blankets, bottles, a swing, bouncy seat, bassinet, and crib.
I think about all those sweet shirts I spent hours online shopping for.  Everytime my husband and I went to town or shopping and came across a piece of clothing we liked for Wiley, we would get it.  He had quite a collection of clothes.  I think about those little newborn sleepers I bought.  They are so tiny.  He definitely would not have fit in them if he had made it to term. I think about those little John Deere shirts and socks we bought at Cracker Barrel.  One of them says, 'Daddy's little farmer.' When I think of that shirt, my heart hurts for my husband.  I think of one shirt that says, 'Mommy's Big Guy' and that he is.  MY big guy.  I think about the sweet overalls, camo clothes, Carhartt clothes, clearance clothes from Old Navy.  I also think about these two Ralph Lauren outfits. I thought he could wear one to my little brother's graduation and one to my best friend's wedding.  So handsome he would be in those.

Every single item or piece of clothing we bought for Wiley, I can tell you who bought it, where it came from, and what we were thinking when we bought it.

I want to dress him in all those clothes. But I can't. 
What will I do with them? There is so many. 
For now they will stay right where they are, hanging up in his closet.

I struggle with thinking--ya know, hopefully one day we will have another child.  We only have one extra bedroom.  Wiley's room will have to be our next child's room too, eventually. 
What will I do with his stuff, Wiley's stuff?

Sometimes I think none of our other children will use Wiley's stuff, that's his.  We bought his clothes for him.  We bought his crib for him. We decorated his room just for him. 

----A lady my mom works with told her months ago that she would like to hand make Wiley a blue blanket.  My mom said that would be wonderful and of course I would love it.  After we had Wiley and after my mom went back to work a few weeks later, the lady told my mom that she would still like to give me the blanket because she made it for Wiley.  How sweet of this lady to spend the time to make a blanket, just for Wiley. She told my mom that I could use it with my next baby and if I have a girl, I could just tell her that this is her big brother, Wiley's blue blanket.  I have yet to see the blanket, my mom still has it.  It means so much to me though and mom says that it's beautiful. 

It got me to thinking some things we will have to use with our future children.  I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.  I suppose we will use some things, but put back a few of my favorite things. When I think of it like, our next baby 'gets' to wear their big brother Wiley's clothes.-It sounds better that way. 

Right now Wiley's room will stay just as it is. His clothes in closet, his room perfectly put together, and his name over his crib.  We will leave it that way for as long as we possibly can. Right now, it's just Wiley's room.