It's not fair.

It has been an emotional day.  I'm just going to say what I feel right now. 

This isn't fair. 

Plain and simple, it's not fair! Why me? Why Wiley?

It's so unfair.

Today I attended my first public event with people I actually know.  It has been 5 weeks 1 day, I thought I would be okay to go.  Negative.  I knew it would be hard to face a bunch of people that I know, but haven't seen since I was pregnant.  I knew it would be hard to face people in general, especially a big group.  There were pregnant people all around me.  Some of them were old friends of mine and I am happy for them. It's just hard.  Two of the pregnant gals I saw, I actually used to be really good friends with, they are both having boys. Again, happy for them, but it's very hard for me.  A girl behind me was having a conversation with someone about how they only have 8 weeks until they find out what they're having and how all their ultrasounds so far they got to hear the heartbeat.  (Yea, me too.)  Another girl I saw, I didn't know her, but she was big pregnant.  About to pop. 

That should have been me today. 

When we got the invite to this event a few months ago, I joked about how big pregnant I would be and Wiley would be coming anyday.  Me and a friend joked about what if I went into labor there!

The point I'm trying to get across is I was surrounded today by people I knew, pregnant people, and just people.  It was way too overwhelming for me.  I teared up many times and it was all I could do to not bawl my eyes out right there in front of everyone.  I told my husband I couldn't stay.  So we left and I cried all the way home.  Crying and yelling, "It's not fair!"

It's not fair!!!  I should be Huge pregnant right this second.  I should be going into labor any day now.  My bags should be sitting by the front door ready to go. 


Today while we were driving, we saw this truck with 2 men in front.  And there was a toddler walking around in the truck, no carseat, no seatbelt, not even sitting down! Seriously!? People like that can have children and I can't? While I'm on this soapbox, let me go in a little further. 

It isn't fair that all these teenagers have babies, unmarried people that have babies, financially unstable people have babies, people who don't want babies have babies, people who have abortions kill their babies, people who smoke or are around smoke have babies, people who drink and do drugs have babies, I could go on and on and on.

Not saying those people don't deserve a baby, but they have their babies and I don't? Some couples who really want children lose babies, some couples who really want children struggle with infertility.  Not fair.

Ya know, I'm not a bad person.  I do not drink, smoke or do drugs.  I went to college, got married, then decided to have a baby.  We are financially stable.  We are not on any kind of government assistance, because we made a choice to have a baby. I've always wanted children. I would be a stay at home mom.  I would be the overprotective mom.  So why? Why me?

I see all these pregnant women (everywhere). People I know, people I don't know, in town and on facebook. They are just like I was a month and a half ago.  Oblivious and Naive.

Before this happened, I was the same way.  Yes, I heard about miscarriages, stillbirths, SIDS, etc.  but I mean, come on.  That stuff doesn't really happen now does it?  Definitely wouldn't happen to me.  Right?  When I would hear this happened to someone, inside I would be like, 'Oh my, I can't imagine what they are going through or if that happened to me.'  Exactly, I couldn't imagine what it would be like.  Until it does happen.

It happens. 

It happened.

I would die to be that oblivious and naive pregnant girl right now. 

Guess the saying is really true 'Life isn't fair'.  It's just not.  I do ramble about how my life isn't fair, but I'm in the beginning stages of grief.  Give me a break. 

I do believe God has a plan for us that I cannot even begin to understand right now.  Hopefully one day we will.  I trust Him.  He is taking care of our baby boy.  He is taking care of us and always will.  We know that.  I just need to complain.