The feelings I have now feel weird to me.
My house is quiet. I feel like I should be hearing Wiley crying, but if everything went perfectly he probably would still be in my belly right now.
His room looks so empty, but Wiley was never in there outside my womb.
His crib looks empty, but he never layed there.
My car looks empty without a carseat, but we never got the chance to put it in.
At night my husband and I are together, but sometimes we feel lonely. It feels like he was here the whole time and he was, inside my tummy. Our nights before consisted of me laying on the couch, switching from left side to right side, and feeling Wiley move and kick. He would push some body part, assuming his foot, underneath my right rib. It sometimes hurt, but mostly uncomfortable.
Man, I wish I had that foot underneath my right rib right now.
When my hubby came in, I would be like Come over here! You have got to feel this! So he would put his hand on my tummy and feel Wiley’s crazy kicks. He would always talk to him and say the funniest things. When he talked to Wiley he would tell him everything they were going to do when he came out. Every time he ended his talk, he said “Okay. Love you. Bye.” Like he was on a telephone.
So now that Wiley isn’t here, we kind of feel like we don’t know what to do without ourselves.
I’ve heard some moms say they miss being pregnant after their baby gets here. They miss that bond inside and feeling them, but obviously they have their newborn babies right there with them now and wouldn’t trade it. I all of a sudden was not pregnant anymore, but now I don’t have my baby with me. So I’m missing both.
Mine and Wiley’s talks were different than Daddy and Wiley’s. I talked to Wiley throughout the day, all day. I talk to myself anyway, so having Wiley in my belly knowing he could hear me, made me feel not so crazy.
Wiley was with me for 32 weeks.
I thank God for those 32 weeks.
I’m lonely without Wiley in my tummy.
Yesterday, I was sitting on my front porch in the rocking chair. (Which I do often now) It was pretty windy yesterday. The wind would die down then pick up. I was listening to music and the song Stand Still by the Issacs came on. I was sitting there listening with tears in my eyes. Throughout the song, the wind would pick up and I could just feel Wiley all around me. When the part that says, “When the tide is swiftly rising and you wonder where He’s been? Friend, there never was a moment that His arms weren’t reaching out. You can rest assured and be secure God is moving right now,” all of a sudden the wind picked up majorly and the trees in front of my house were swaying back and forth. The wind blew my flower pots over and my hair behind me. I could feel it on my face and all around. I got goosebumps. I knew I wasn’t alone. I could feel God’s presence. I could also feel Wiley.
I know that I’m not alone. I know God is right here waiting on me to run to him.
Do I understand why this happened? No
Am I angry? Sometimes
Am I running to Him like I should right now? No
But do I trust Him? Yes
Do I know He will be right there waiting on me when I’m ready? Yes
Stand Still by The Issacs
The Father has a plan, though it’s hard to see it now
You feel you’re walking all alone, but He is there, no doubt
When the storm around you rages and you’re tossed to and fro
When you’re faced with life’s decisions, not sure which way to go
Stand still and let God move
Standing still is hard to do
When you feel you have reached the end
He’ll make a way for you Stand still and let God move
When the enemy surrounds you, and the walls are closing in
When the tide is swiftly rising and you wonder where He’s been?
Friend, there never was a moment that His arms weren’t reaching out
You can rest assured and be secure God is moving right now
Stand still and let God move Standing still is hard to do
When you feel you have reached the end
He’ll make a way for you Stand still and let God move
The answer will come, but only in His time
Stand still and let God move Stand still and let God move
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