After we married and moved in, the room seemed to be a storage for wedding gifts and stuff I didn’t know what to do with. We eventually had a roll-a-way bed in there in the midst of all my junk. The months after we got married and I wanted a baby, but knew we should wait a little while, I would go in that room and lay on the roll-a-way bed and just cry. Being in that room made me think of our future, our babies. That room is where I began to love Wiley before I knew him, before I knew OF him. No, I didn’t know when we would get pregnant or if I would have a boy or girl or what their name would be, but I knew that this room would be our baby’s room.
Months later, I got pregnant. Finally! I could call my spare bedroom the baby room and not sound crazy. For the first few months of my pregnancy, the baby room was still full of…stuff. I attempted to clean it out many times, but always felt like I was just moving the stuff to a different spot in the room. I knew I had until we found out the sex of the baby to get it cleaned out, because obviously my mom and I would begin buying and decorating the baby room then.
Little by little I got the room all cleaned out and ready. We ordered our baby bed first. My husband and brother put the baby bed together. They finally got it right the 3rd try (after they let me read the directions to them). We then found out we were having a baby boy. My mom and I immediately started searching for the perfect bedding.
Wiley and I spent many hours in his room throughout my pregnancy. His room is my favorite room in the house. After we started decorating a little bit, it felt so real. This would the room my baby would sleep in and where I would rock him. I bought Wiley a lot of books. For some reason, I thought he needed every board book ever made about a farm, farm animals, or tractors. As Wiley and I got bigger and bigger, I started reading to him. Sometimes I sat in the floor, on the rug and read to him. My favorite place was in the rocking chair beside his crib. I would rock and read to him. I did buy him a lot of books, but I can say that I read every one to him, some more times than others. The book I read to him the most was a book that I stumbled across in Hastings one day. I was looking in the clearance shelves for cheap books for my ‘future classroom’. I saw this book called, Momma Loves Her Little Son by John Carter Cash. It was on clearance and seemed to be one of those books that was never popular. I had never heard of it? I bought it though. This was the book I read the most to Wiley and is my favorite. “Momma loves her little son. There is nothing more so true. From now until forever more, Momma clings to you.”
Besides reading in Wiley’s room, I would hum and sing, write in my pregnancy journal, and sometimes just sit and think. A few days before Wiley passed away, I dragged my hubby in Wiley’s room to show him all the cute outfits I had put together. Wiley had tons of clothes, many of which were baby Carhartt and John Deere. I got out a few of the size 6 months. I said, “This is what he will be wearing this fall!” I pulled out a pair of blue jeans and a few of his baby Carhartt shirts. I layed the jeans on the rug and put a shirt on top. Then, I got a pair of his camo boots and stuck them inside the bottom of his jeans and said, “I think this is the outfit he will wear to Thanksgiving!” I thought about how handsome he would look in that outfit!
He would have looked sooo handsome in those outfits.
We finally got most of the room decorated. His colors were brown and green with tractors. Got the curtains and accent pillows made and put up, book shelf with some books, clothes in his closet, John Deere lamp on the shelf. Pretty much everything was done except one thing, his name over his crib. I had bought wooden letters and painted them brown, I was waiting on my dad to come over and figure out a way to hang them. The day before Wiley passed away, we put his name above his crib.
We finished his nursery,
the day before.
After we got home from the hospital, the thought of his room made me feel sick to my stomach. I had spent so much time in there with my baby boy in my tummy. So many happy memories in there that I was not ready to see it. Thankfully, someone had shut the door before we got home and locked it so no one would enter. I did not want anything touched or taken down. I did not want anyone to go in there until after my husband and I had. I really struggled with this over the next few weeks. Sometimes I just wanted to run in there and touch his stuff and bawl my eyes out laying on the floor. I did not want to go in the first time by myself. I wanted it to be just me and my husband the first time. Every night I told him, I think I would like to go in tonight. We would get to the door and I would get to nervous and change my mind. I just wasn’t ready.
Last Wednesday night, exactly 4 weeks since I last felt Wiley kick in my stomach, we decided to go in his room. My husband unlocked the door and slowly opened it, turning on the light. With my eyes filled with tears, I said, “It smells new.” He said, “Yes, it does.” I could tell by his voice that he was crying behind me. The first thing I looked at was his name above his crib. We stood in the doorway crying and holding each other. After a few minutes, I walked over to his bookshelf and grabbed this stuffed animal I had bought him. (I’m not big on stuff animals, but this one was a puppy dog named Dusty the Dog and I really liked it.) I grabbed Dusty and sat in the floor and cried as I squeezed him. Sam walked over and turned the lamp on. We looked around and touched everything and decided to go to bed. I walked over to turn the lamp off and my husband said, “Leave the lamp on.” So I left the light on.
The door to Wiley’s nursery now stays open for the most part, especially at night. I’m glad it is finally open again. I feel like we are not avoiding it anymore and we aren’t ignoring what happened. He was born and that is His room. We want to acknowledge that. Sometimes when I walk by I stand there and smile. Sometimes I grab the handle and shut it real quick because I just can’t take it. And sometimes I walk right in and sit.
As I sit here typing, my computer desk is positioned perfectly in my room that when I look to the left, I see the doorway of Wiley’s room and the light shining out.
Leaving the light on for you baby boy.
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