Home.
I am home. So why am I homesick right now? Why do I feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be?
Home is where the heart is, right?
But my heart is somewhere I can’t be right now. So I guess you could say I am very homesick. A huge chunk of my heart is with Wiley in Heaven. I am homesick to be with Wiley. I am homesick for my heavenly home to meet Jesus and to see my sweet baby. Not saying my time on Earth is or should be over, but I am homesick.
No one knows when this world will come to an end. No one knows when Jesus will come back to get those who have accepted him and take us to that Heavenly home. I know that I am saved and will go to Heaven. Ever since I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart, I have longed to one day meet him and go to Heaven when that time comes. But I have always prayed that I would get to experience being a mom before I go. This was the only thing I really wanted to experience in life. This isn’t exactly what I pictured, but I am a mom now. I am Wiley’s mommy. No, he isn’t on this earth with me, but God chose ME to be his mom.
I know Wiley is in a better place. I know that. What better arms could he be in than the arms of Jesus? None. Not even his mommy’s. Sometimes I sit and think…Jesus is taking care of my baby. Jesus. Wow. What a special, special baby. My angel baby.
But the human and selfish person inside me says, wait a minute. I want him. My baby is supposed to be with me right now. Not in Heaven, before me. I want to hold him and take care of him.
I will flip-flop on my feelings of this a thousand times. One moment I will be rejoicing for Wiley that he is with God and Jesus. The next moment I will be saying…No! I want him!
Wiley is a child of God and I am ever so grateful that God picked ME to be his mommy. I just don’t get to raise him and that leaves me sad. I know God has a very special plan for us, one we do not know or understand right now. I know Wiley has and will in many, many more ways change our lives forever and the lives of others. HE will make me a better person. HE will make me a better mommy. HE will make me a better wife. Wiley has been, is and will continue to be for the rest of our lives, the greatest blessing we could ever ask for, even if he is physically not here now.
But all of that doesn’t make me not wish Wiley was here. I do wish he was here, more than ANYTHING. I love him so incredibly much. I have Never known love like this. I want him here so bad that it hurts. My heart hurts because it is breaking. My lips hurt to just give him another kiss. My arms hurt to hold him again. And my stomach hurts because I am homesick.
“I’ve never been more homesick than now.”
The song Homesick by MercyMe really explains my feelings and I listen to it often. Here are the lyrics:
You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
‘Cause I’m still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now
No comments:
Post a Comment