Just here...

Today would have been our 34 week ultrasound. At this very moment, I would have been sitting in a dark, ultrasound room looking at my perfect, little healthy boy on a screen. 34 weeks would have been our last ultrasound. It was a big one because this is the one we would see such growth and maybe determine if our Wiley would be here a little sooner than expected. Throughout my pregnancy, I just knew Wiley was going to be a big boy. I just had a feeling. I was 9lb 11oz at birth and my husband was 7lb 10oz. I knew when I went in at 34 weeks that the doctor would be like, “Wow! He is growing big and fast!” And considering Wiley was 4lb 15oz and 19in long at 32 weeks, I think I would have been right! My first baby shower was supposed to be this past Sunday, Feb. 26 and my big baby shower was this coming Saturday, March 3. So this ultrasound appt. was right in the middle of the two. I pictured that at my 2^nd shower Saturday, I would be telling everyone what he weighed at the ultrasound and showing off his most recent ultrasound pics!

This week I would be sorting through baby shower gifts, organizing Wiley’s closet, and getting ready for the next wave of gifts we would get Saturday. I would be doing all of this while my hubby was at work. When he got home, I probably would be making him put a swing or bassinet together. I also would be watching my huge pregnant belly grow and grow, see my belly button do weird things and checking my belly and sides for stretch marks. Tonight, I probably would be begging my husband for a back rub and then a foot rub.

Those are the things I would be doing today and this week if Wiley was still alive and still in my tummy. But that’s not what I’m doing today or this week. Instead, I’m sitting here thinking about exactly two weeks ago today, I was in the doctor’s office for a checkup and everything was great, perfect heartbeat. And exactly one week from this very moment I was sitting through my baby’s funeral service. Instead of putting away gifts and washing baby clothes, I’m at home with a family member lined up to stay with me every day this week. Instead of having to roll my big pregnant self out of bed or off the couch, I’m here with no baby belly. I’m here trying to dry up my breast milk because I don’t have my baby here to breastfeed. I’m here wearing my husband’s t-shirt and sweatpants because I can’t fit in my maternity clothes or pre-pregnancy clothes. I’m here staring at pictures of my perfect little Wiley instead of feeling him in my belly or holding him in my arms.

This is exactly what I feel like right now…that I’m just here.