Hard day

Today, my mom and I went and shopped around for flowers and plants to put in my memorial flower garden for Wiley. We also looked around for flowers to make a flower arrangement for his grave. These are some things that make me feel better because I’m doing them for Wiley. I was doing okay while we were out and then my mood totally shut down.

I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be buying flowers for my son’s grave. I shouldn’t be making a memorial flower garden for my baby. I SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.

I want to scream out loud. (And sometimes I do) I hate this. I want him back. I want Wiley to still be in my belly. I should still be pregnant right now. 34 weeks and 3 days to be exact.

I told my husband last night that I’m still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. This shouldn’t be real…can’t be. I’m waiting for someone to pinch me. But it is real. This is my new life. This is my life without Wiley.

My life now consists of these moments that come up that literally feel like someone cuts open my chest, rips my heart out and stomps on it over and over again. Here are a few examples:
When we were in the store, my mom went to the restroom. I started strolling down the aisles by myself and somehow ended up in front of the baby section, the same baby section we were looking in just a few short weeks ago. I just stood there and stared. I went from begging my hubby, “Let’s go look at the baby stuff!” to now trying my best to avoid walking by the baby section.

Another thing that felt like my heart was being hit by a hammer multiple times was a few nights ago, we went out to eat with my family at a small restaurant. Nothing big, but this was our first outing and first time to go out to eat since. Of course a couple walks in with a baby carrier and sits right behind us. I saw them out of the corner of my eye. I could see the baby car seat was green so I assume it was a little boy. I took a deep breath and kept looking straight ahead.

Okay, a baby. I guess I’ll have to get used to that.

But then the baby started crying. I knew immediately that this baby was a newborn. It wasn’t just any baby, it was a newborn. You can tell by the cry. My heart started racing and I grabbed my husband’s leg underneath the table. I looked at him and he looked at me. I knew he could read my mind and he knew my heart was hurting.

These are things I have to go through? WHY!?

Why? Because the rest of the world is still spinning. Everyone else’s world is still spinning. Everyone else is still pregnant. They are still having their baby showers. They are still having their babies. They are bringing their babies home and taking all kinds of pictures. And stores still have baby sections.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for everyone else. I would never, ever want anyone to have to know what I’m feeling. I’m happy from them, but just sad for me. Because ya know, I had that too. I had what they had. I was going to have what they have.

Some days are better than others. Some moments are better than others. Some moments, hours, days are really hard. I’m having a hard day. I just want to complain and feel sorry for myself today. I’m really, really missing my baby boy.