Catch up

I know I said I was going to try and blog more, but it's hard to find the time with this precious baby girl here.  Seriously, I can't put her down.  People tease me all the time about how spoiled she is going to be and how she's only going to want her mommy, but hey! that's okay with me. :)  They are only little once and I know what a gift every day is so I'm trying to soak it all in!!  I love spending every second with her. 
For the last almost 2 years, I have sat at home almost every single day.  I have been lonely, bored, and waiting.  Waiting to take care of Wiley, waiting to take care of Ellie.  Now she's here and I'm SO thankful that I don't have to be lonely or bored anymore.  She fills up all my time and I love it.  She was worth those long 9 months of wait and fear. 

I wasn't sure what my grief would have in store for me after Ellie was born.  We felt immediate overwhelming joy and happiness, but I knew having her here wouldn't 'fix' things.  Delivering Ellie in the same hospital with the same people as we did with Wiley, brought back a lot of memories.  Brought back those sweet, precious moments I held him, but also that deep, raw grief that we felt then.  I was okay until I got up to take a shower after I had Ellie.  The nurse took me to the bathroom and I started getting ready for my shower and we were talking.  While we were talking, I just had flashbacks to when I took a shower after Wiley was born.  They were taking pictures of him while I was in the shower and I remember trying to hurry so I could get back out to hold him.  I was just thinking about how I was doing the same things as last time, but this time is so different.  This is how it is supposed to be.  As the nurse and I were talking, I told her she looked familiar and then I told her about Wiley and she said, 'I remember you.'  Come to find out, she also helped me after I had Wiley too.  Having the same doctor and nurses meant a lot to me. Just because those people knew my son.  They held Wiley and they held Ellie. 
Anyway, we went home the next day and that night we had family over and I just went in my bathroom and cried.  I was so happy, but so sad.  I wanted to experience all of that with Wiley too.  And then I cried because I was crying.  How could I be crying when I have an alive baby in the other room!??!  This grief went on for the first few weeks of Ellie's life.  Many tears fell upon her little head while I was holding her.  Happy and sad tears.  Happy because she is here and sad because he is not. 
I've been doing much better the last month.  I'm healing.  Ellie has helped me in so many ways.  My grief is still there, but she helps me deal with it better.  She has brought JOY back into our lives.  She has the sweetest spirit and is a happy baby all the time.  A few weeks ago,she started smiling back at us and now she does it all the time.  Talk about melting your heart.  She may be a daddy's girl in a year or two, but right now she is a complete mommy's girl and I LOVE IT!  She will be 8 weeks old Thursday.  Time really flies by!!  She is such a blessing.  My little hope baby.