Day 28: Memory
Today, we are supposed to share one of our most significant memories on this journey. It can be good or bad.
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Rocking my baby in the rocking chair in this picture is my most memorable moment. I don't have a picture of it. No one else was there to see it. It is simply a memory in my mind. I have pictures of my husband rocking Wiley. I have pictures of my family rocking Wiley. But there is not a picture of me and Wiley in the rocking chair. I guess that is okay because at that moment, it was just Mommy and Wiley and that's how I wanted it to be. I have wrote about this before, but after he was born and we bathed him and held him, we were all exhausted. Everyone went to bed and I stayed up holding Wiley in my hospital bed. My husband quickly fell asleep and I got out of bed and walked to the rocking chair and spent a few hours rocking Wiley. I remember trying to get him as close to me as I could. I laid his head on my chest. I laid him out straight on my lap and just looked at him. I cried. I smiled. I sang. I talked to him. That was the only time that it was just me and him and I will never forget it.
Day 29: Music
There has been so many songs that have helped me through this journey. If you would like to hear any of them, I post my favorites on the Songs of Healing page.
Day 30: Your Grief - Tell the World
There are many things I would like like to tell the world when it comes to losing a child. Many things people just don't get unless it has happened to them. I didn't do a picture so here are a few things. - Say his name- Wiley.
- When asked, "How are you?" I usually lie.
- I'm still not okay.
- Please don't judge me if I'm not doing what You think I should be doing.
- Sometimes, I feel like a crazy person.
- Our lives may go on and we may have more children, but we think about and miss our child that we lost every single day. It may be 1 year, 10 years or 50 years later, we remember and will always ache for our child.
I'm in tears about the rocking chair. Thank you for sharing that. As I read your words I was right there with you rocking Wiley. I wish I had done that with Sam. I wish that I had just some mommy and son time, but I don't think I did. I regret that. I wish I held him longer, cuddled him longer, kissed him longer. I guess nothing would have been long enough. I just could take the death mutating my little boy right before my eyes any longer. I wanted to remember him warm and with color. But I wish I had rocked him, that would have been an unforgettable memory.
ReplyDeleteWhat a precious moment you had with Wiley in the rocking chair. I kind of wish I would of had some time alone with Jonathan. It is so easy to find things to regret. I so agree with "say his name"! and sometimes I feel like a crazy person also. Hugs sweet mommy
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