Holidays/Nursery

Okay...Mommy has been struggling lately.  I'm not sure why it has all hit me so hard in the last month.  Maybe it is because we are getting further along in this pregnancy or maybe the holidays coming up, I'm not sure.  I'm kind of back in that place where I just don't care.  It's so hard to explain.  If it wasn't for baby sister, I don't think I would take care of myself at all or care about anything in the world.  She is my life saver.  Not that she takes Wiley's place or makes the pain lessen, but she gives me a reason to live and get up every day.

I have been getting a little anxiety about taking down Wiley's nursery.  We have bought Sister lots of clothes and they are hanging in her side of the closet, but we haven't bought much for the nursery.  I know what I want to do and have most things picked out, it just scares me to no end to take Wiley's bedding off, his curtains, his pillows, his tractors and pictures and then move all the furniture around.  It scares me and it hurts my heart. 

Also,  holidays are coming up.  I'm not sure how you handle those 'firsts.'  It's finally starting to feel like fall around here and it all takes me back to a year ago being pregnant with Wiley.  My husband loves to decorate the outside of the house for holidays and he said the other day we should go get some fall decorations and get out the ones we have.  I said, "No....? We aren't doing that this year." Of course he was like, Why? (It's not the same for him.)  I remember exactly what it was like last fall being pregnant with Wiley and going to buy hay bales for our porch and mums and scarecrows.  I remember sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch watching my husband put it all together.  I remember thinking...this is the life.  Perfect weather, perfect time of year, perfect husband, perfect baby on the way.  I put out my Thanksgiving decorations in my kitchen and living room.  I couldn't wait til the day after Thanksgiving to take it down and start putting up Christmas decorations! My favorite.  Same with Christmas, I remember it all.  Putting everything up with my big belly,  everyone getting Wiley gifts for Christmas.  I remember thinking that next year, we'll be buying big toys to help him walk and get all around the floor.  Like I said, I have been depressed lately and as of right now, I don't want any holiday decorations in my house this year.  This may change, but just how I'm feeling about it now.  When I told Sam that we weren't putting the Christmas tree up this year, he said, "Yes, we are. We aren't going that far."  I told him no, that I didn't want it up.  I'm not going to look at an empty Christmas tree in my living room that is supposed to have tons of presents under it to spoil our sweet boy.  This was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family.  This year was supposed to be different.  We'll see how things go over the next few months.  Maybe things will get better.  But let's face it, I'll almost be 36 weeks pregnant when its time to take Christmas stuff down.  That does not sound like fun. 

I just miss my baby boy.  Every day, every minute, every second.  And there is nothing I can do, but live with it.  I hate it. 

I love you so much, baby boy. Wish you were here.